Fear of the Unknown

My sweet little Audrey lost the second of her top two teeth this morning.   

Little did I know what a spiritual experience it would be for me pulling that tooth I had been nagging her about for days.  Although it was bothering her (and me) and she was complaining about it all the time, she was more content leaving that tooth dangling around and obstructing speech and hindering her eating than facing her fear of the pain of having it pulled out.  Even though she had just lost the other tooth less than two weeks ago, she was still TERRIFIED of the pain.  It didn't matter that she knew what it was going to be like.  She had lost three other teeth before, but this time something was different.  Her fear had consumed her.

As I looked at those bright, weepy, blue eyes of my precious little girl, all I saw was fear.  It was so crippling for her and she was going to dig in her little heels and do whatever she could to keep me from pulling that tooth.  "Just let her be," my husband had said to me repeatedly, "it'll come out when it's ready."  Deep down, I knew he was right, but that little girl had to get her stubbornness from someone.  Yup.  She was more like me than I realized or even cared to admit.  She was more content living in what she knew to be as "normal" or "comfortable" than embracing the change and allowing herself to experience the pain no matter how small it was.  It didn't matter how much I tried to reassure, comfort, rationalize, and even bribe her.  She had made up her mind.  That tooth, no matter how annoying, irritating, or bothersome it was, was NOT coming out, and I was definitely NOT the person who was going to remedy that.

Like my daughter, Audrey, it is so easy to find ourselves crippled by fear and pain that we fail to see we are not opening ourselves up to the promises of God and fully experiencing the life He has for us.  Sometimes we do encounter pain.  Unfortunately, there are times where that pain is by our own fault and a result of our own stupidity (or stubbornness), but there are often times where we must endure the pain to come out more beautiful and more Christ-like in the end.  It is painful being changed by God, but it is important to remember that without that pain through the change, we become stagnant and shut ourselves off from what He wants us to become.

God doesn't promise us an easy life; quite the opposite, actually.  In the midst of our fear of pain, the fear of the unknown, and the fear of what is to come, we need to continue to reach out to God for He is always with us.  Deuteronomy 31:6 says, "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you.  He will not leave you nor forsake you."  That's what makes this so amazing.  He will never leave us.  He has gone before us, and there is NOTHING that will come as a surprise to Him.

Living in fear means not having faith in God and trusting in His plan for our lives.  Is it wrong to be afraid?  No.  It is completely normal.  It is what we do with that fear that's important.  Sometimes we need to acknowledge our fear, embrace it, but then offer it up to God because that's what He wants in the first place.  He wants us to trust Him with our fear.  He wants us to rely on Him.  Think of all the times God has said to his people, "do not be afraid," or "fear not" and these phrases are very often followed by "for I am with you."  Every time God has revealed Himself to His people, they have been in the depths of their fear.  Even in my own life, it didn't matter how often He has revealed Himself to me, I continue to be afraid.  Funny how there are times when I am so thick in the deepest recesses of my fear (or in denial of my own fear) that He chooses to reveal himself to me, and every time He reminds me not to be afraid.  

It would make sense to suppose that perhaps Jesus was afraid leading up to his own crucifixion.  Not that he didn't trust God and what His ultimate purpose was for his life, but wouldn't you be afraid of being crucified and enduring the pain of the wrath of God as His ONLY son died a cruel death that wasn't deserved?  Thankfully, Jesus didn't run from that fear and pressed forward as He knew it was what He was meant to do, and then He defeated death just so I could live.  Me.  A wife, teacher, and mother of three.  

As I sat reflecting about what I went through with my daughter earlier this morning, God revealed to me a couple verses that really hit me at this great time of change (and fear) in my own life.  I first started by opening up my Bible app on my phone and the verse for the day happened to be Psalms 32:8 which says, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye."  I am SO grateful that I don't have to go through this journey alone.  How much more stressful and overwhelming life would be without Him.  God then brought me to Joshua 1:9 which says, "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  Whoa.  Talk about reassurance right there.

Let me take you back to my daughter, Audrey.  As she was sitting with me in my bathroom being prodded by me to pull out that tooth, she looked up at me with her tear-streaked face and said, "But mom, I'm scared."  And then it hit me.  "I am scared too,"  I said.  It was then that I realized I had unknowingly been hiding my own fear from myself about changes in my near future. 

On Friday I start my new job.  Yes, I am excited, but there is so much fear that was hidden from me for so long that I am just now having to face and deal with.  It is always nerve wracking starting a new job at a new school, but something about this change seems different.  Maybe because this time it is high school.  The funny thing is that my degree is in elementary education, and I have barely used that part of my degree.  For the past six years I have been teaching middle school and fell in love with those kids.  I love their growing independence and they think my awkward and corny jokes are hilarious.  The kids I have been spending the past three years with have touched my heart in so many ways.  I cannot begin to describe how my life is so much richer having known them and having taught them.  Leaving my school and my students was bittersweet; I was excited for this new opportunity to grow and share more of who I am, but I was also horribly grieved by what I was leaving.

It was especially hard seeing all the "Back to School" photos posted all over Facebook.  It was like I didn't get invited to the big party of the year and all I got to do was live vicariously through the photos of those who were so dear to me for so long.  I felt like a piece of me was missing or that I left it at my old school.  I suppose you can say that I did leave a piece of me...in the lives of those kids who were left behind.  I realized that I was holding onto the past so tight that I wasn't allowing myself to move forward.  Yes, I was doing what I could to prepare by reading and learning new curriculum, but I think I used that and being off with my kids for the summer as a distraction to how I was really feeling.  

It wasn't until the moment of that very honest tear-filled confession of my almost seven-year old that I realized that I was just like her.  Scared of the unknown.  Knowing I will be better off in the end, but crippled by my fear that I was unwilling to admit that what lay ahead of me was far more valuable than what I already knew to be comfortable.  I was about to miss out on fully experiencing His provision for my life.  When I look back on my life and some of the big changes I had experienced over the years, there were some I embraced with open arms, but then there were quite a few where I went kicking, screaming, and digging in my heels just like Audrey.

As Audrey finally surrendered and allowed me to help her with what she thought to be the unbearable, I braced myself for the pain she was about to suffer and counted to three.  With very little effort, her tooth popped out and I just sat there holding her as we both cried.  Audrey crying because it did in fact hurt having her tooth pulled, and I cried at that realization of my own fear and unwillingness to open myself up to God and His plan for my life.  One thing I have learned is that any change can be frightening; no matter how slight the change may seem, it is important to acknowledge that fear and to give it up to God because He is there with me and He will never leave me to go through it alone.