Fear of the Unknown

My sweet little Audrey lost the second of her top two teeth this morning.   

Little did I know what a spiritual experience it would be for me pulling that tooth I had been nagging her about for days.  Although it was bothering her (and me) and she was complaining about it all the time, she was more content leaving that tooth dangling around and obstructing speech and hindering her eating than facing her fear of the pain of having it pulled out.  Even though she had just lost the other tooth less than two weeks ago, she was still TERRIFIED of the pain.  It didn't matter that she knew what it was going to be like.  She had lost three other teeth before, but this time something was different.  Her fear had consumed her.

As I looked at those bright, weepy, blue eyes of my precious little girl, all I saw was fear.  It was so crippling for her and she was going to dig in her little heels and do whatever she could to keep me from pulling that tooth.  "Just let her be," my husband had said to me repeatedly, "it'll come out when it's ready."  Deep down, I knew he was right, but that little girl had to get her stubbornness from someone.  Yup.  She was more like me than I realized or even cared to admit.  She was more content living in what she knew to be as "normal" or "comfortable" than embracing the change and allowing herself to experience the pain no matter how small it was.  It didn't matter how much I tried to reassure, comfort, rationalize, and even bribe her.  She had made up her mind.  That tooth, no matter how annoying, irritating, or bothersome it was, was NOT coming out, and I was definitely NOT the person who was going to remedy that.

Like my daughter, Audrey, it is so easy to find ourselves crippled by fear and pain that we fail to see we are not opening ourselves up to the promises of God and fully experiencing the life He has for us.  Sometimes we do encounter pain.  Unfortunately, there are times where that pain is by our own fault and a result of our own stupidity (or stubbornness), but there are often times where we must endure the pain to come out more beautiful and more Christ-like in the end.  It is painful being changed by God, but it is important to remember that without that pain through the change, we become stagnant and shut ourselves off from what He wants us to become.

God doesn't promise us an easy life; quite the opposite, actually.  In the midst of our fear of pain, the fear of the unknown, and the fear of what is to come, we need to continue to reach out to God for He is always with us.  Deuteronomy 31:6 says, "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you.  He will not leave you nor forsake you."  That's what makes this so amazing.  He will never leave us.  He has gone before us, and there is NOTHING that will come as a surprise to Him.

Living in fear means not having faith in God and trusting in His plan for our lives.  Is it wrong to be afraid?  No.  It is completely normal.  It is what we do with that fear that's important.  Sometimes we need to acknowledge our fear, embrace it, but then offer it up to God because that's what He wants in the first place.  He wants us to trust Him with our fear.  He wants us to rely on Him.  Think of all the times God has said to his people, "do not be afraid," or "fear not" and these phrases are very often followed by "for I am with you."  Every time God has revealed Himself to His people, they have been in the depths of their fear.  Even in my own life, it didn't matter how often He has revealed Himself to me, I continue to be afraid.  Funny how there are times when I am so thick in the deepest recesses of my fear (or in denial of my own fear) that He chooses to reveal himself to me, and every time He reminds me not to be afraid.  

It would make sense to suppose that perhaps Jesus was afraid leading up to his own crucifixion.  Not that he didn't trust God and what His ultimate purpose was for his life, but wouldn't you be afraid of being crucified and enduring the pain of the wrath of God as His ONLY son died a cruel death that wasn't deserved?  Thankfully, Jesus didn't run from that fear and pressed forward as He knew it was what He was meant to do, and then He defeated death just so I could live.  Me.  A wife, teacher, and mother of three.  

As I sat reflecting about what I went through with my daughter earlier this morning, God revealed to me a couple verses that really hit me at this great time of change (and fear) in my own life.  I first started by opening up my Bible app on my phone and the verse for the day happened to be Psalms 32:8 which says, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye."  I am SO grateful that I don't have to go through this journey alone.  How much more stressful and overwhelming life would be without Him.  God then brought me to Joshua 1:9 which says, "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  Whoa.  Talk about reassurance right there.

Let me take you back to my daughter, Audrey.  As she was sitting with me in my bathroom being prodded by me to pull out that tooth, she looked up at me with her tear-streaked face and said, "But mom, I'm scared."  And then it hit me.  "I am scared too,"  I said.  It was then that I realized I had unknowingly been hiding my own fear from myself about changes in my near future. 

On Friday I start my new job.  Yes, I am excited, but there is so much fear that was hidden from me for so long that I am just now having to face and deal with.  It is always nerve wracking starting a new job at a new school, but something about this change seems different.  Maybe because this time it is high school.  The funny thing is that my degree is in elementary education, and I have barely used that part of my degree.  For the past six years I have been teaching middle school and fell in love with those kids.  I love their growing independence and they think my awkward and corny jokes are hilarious.  The kids I have been spending the past three years with have touched my heart in so many ways.  I cannot begin to describe how my life is so much richer having known them and having taught them.  Leaving my school and my students was bittersweet; I was excited for this new opportunity to grow and share more of who I am, but I was also horribly grieved by what I was leaving.

It was especially hard seeing all the "Back to School" photos posted all over Facebook.  It was like I didn't get invited to the big party of the year and all I got to do was live vicariously through the photos of those who were so dear to me for so long.  I felt like a piece of me was missing or that I left it at my old school.  I suppose you can say that I did leave a piece of me...in the lives of those kids who were left behind.  I realized that I was holding onto the past so tight that I wasn't allowing myself to move forward.  Yes, I was doing what I could to prepare by reading and learning new curriculum, but I think I used that and being off with my kids for the summer as a distraction to how I was really feeling.  

It wasn't until the moment of that very honest tear-filled confession of my almost seven-year old that I realized that I was just like her.  Scared of the unknown.  Knowing I will be better off in the end, but crippled by my fear that I was unwilling to admit that what lay ahead of me was far more valuable than what I already knew to be comfortable.  I was about to miss out on fully experiencing His provision for my life.  When I look back on my life and some of the big changes I had experienced over the years, there were some I embraced with open arms, but then there were quite a few where I went kicking, screaming, and digging in my heels just like Audrey.

As Audrey finally surrendered and allowed me to help her with what she thought to be the unbearable, I braced myself for the pain she was about to suffer and counted to three.  With very little effort, her tooth popped out and I just sat there holding her as we both cried.  Audrey crying because it did in fact hurt having her tooth pulled, and I cried at that realization of my own fear and unwillingness to open myself up to God and His plan for my life.  One thing I have learned is that any change can be frightening; no matter how slight the change may seem, it is important to acknowledge that fear and to give it up to God because He is there with me and He will never leave me to go through it alone.

So Grateful

Okay, I know. I've been slacking...a lot. Not to mention the fact that so much has happened since my last post that I can't even touch on everything and give it all justice.

Update on the work situation: things have improved significantly since my last post. I had put so many procedures in place that have drastically improved my productivity and accountability. I started with creating my own personal website for school that contains links to all assignments in PDF format and information regarding what students are doing in my classes. Along with that, I also started with sending out weekly emails to parents when their child has a missing assignment. Then the parents are directed to my website where they can print off the missing assignment and get it completed and turned in. There were numerous parents who were extremely grateful when it came time for the next quarter's conferences. I think I won over quite a few people by that time. The coolest thing was hearing from many parents how they are so grateful for all my contributions and how they wished there were more teachers who do what I do.

Another cool thing? Meghan won student of the month for the month of February. At our school teachers nominate students in their classes based on the virtue that is emphasized for that particular month. Meghan was recognized for being compassionate. That wasn't too much of a surprise. When Meghan was celebrating her 100th day of school, she brought an extra collection of 100 items and volunteered to have a friend use it because they forgot to bring their items. The coolest thing was that the students of the month are recognized during lunch and given a special time in the limelight. Meghan really had a great day as it was her own special day. Unfortunately, I missed it. I missed Meghan's special lunch because I was in the hospital busy getting ready to have this little guy:

Robert Bradley came into our lives on February 22 at 10:22 pm. He weighed 7 lbs 7 oz and was 20 1/2 inches long. He is named after Jason's dad, Robert, who died of cancer just two months before our wedding.

I was definitely ready for Robbie to make his grand entrance. As one who doesn't like being pregnant, I was looking forward to saying goodbye to being pregnant and hello to my new little one. I had gone to the doctor the day before where my midwife had stripped my membranes in hopes of getting my labor started. Unfortunately, it didn't do any more than make my night extremely uncomfortable as I was cramping all night long. The good news was that my midwife had scheduled me for an induction the next morning. After a long sleepless night, I was happy to get the show on the road and meet my little guy. Once settled in my "home" for the next few days, I got put on pitocin to start my labor.

I sat there and labored for what seemed like forever. The good thing was that Robbie was responding well to the induction, so my midwife saw no reason to speed things up and stress Robbie out any more than necessary. As a result of this relaxed pace, I didn't get to the point of needing to push Robbie out until about 10:00 that evening. By that time I was extremely hungry as I was not permitted to eat anything all day, I was exhausted from a long night the night before, and I was so excited to meet my baby.

Here's more pictures of our new little bundle of joy:

Mommy and baby meet after a long nine months of anticipation.

I was so happy. I actually had tears in my eyes as this picture was being taken. This moment was bittersweet as Robbie is our last baby.

Jason was pretty excited to finally have a boy. Someone to teach how to play baseball and enjoy all those fun boy things with.

Meghan and Audrey were so excited to meet their new little brother. We let Meghan out of school that day so she could enjoy this exciting time with us. I was so excited to introduce the girls to their brother. I dreamt about what this moment would be like my entire pregnancy.

Robbie the morning after he was born. He looks like he was thinking about something important.

I just love this picture. No, I'm not a proud momma or anything, am I?

Robbie getting ready to go home.

Robbie's first bath at home. This was several days after we got back home, but I had to add it. He's so cute.

I'm really enjoying this time off with Robbie. I worked so hard for it. It was hard getting things prepared for my maternity leave as I had to make sure things were in order, copies were made, and my sub was chosen and informed on all the ins and outs of what I do for my kids. I still have about three more weeks left and I am going to savor every last minute of it. Thankfully when I return I will only have 7 weeks until school is out for the summer and then I can enjoy more time off. The other good thing is that the last month goes by so quickly that it won't seem like that long before I am off again for the summer. What a year this has been! God has been so good to us, and I am grateful for every second of it.

Still Here, But Incredibly Busy

Wow. I can't believe more than a whole month has passed since I last blogged. Actually I can. Life has been INSANE lately.

I have officially adjusted to the transition of being the sole teacher responsible for all English and Literature instruction for nearly 130 students. I have worked out a schedule that seems to be working well for everyone. We set aside Mondays and most of our class time on Tuesdays focusing on spelling, grammar, or writing, and then the rest of the week we focus on literature. The kids seem to enjoy and appreciate the structure and knowing what to expect. I appreciate the structure and that it keeps me in check with making sure I cover what is necessary for the year.

I guess a big stressor has been the fact that these kids are now having English/Literature instruction for 2.5 hours less each week, and I still have to try to cover the same amount of information. I know that I am only one person and it would be horribly unrealistic of my principal to expect me to do more than I am, but I just can't help but feel the pressure to work like a machine to get things done. I think the other thing is that at my old school I got used to teaching 2-hour block periods, and now my classes are only 50-minutes long and I always feel like I never got everything accomplished I set out to do.

The biggest issue I have had to deal with since the transition would most definitely have to do with the literature grades. Our literature teacher left somewhat abruptly (in my opinion considering I had only a couple days notice) and she didn't necessarily communicate much to me before she left. The worst part was that she had left some grades either not graded, or students had not turned the assignments in. I had absolutely NO way of knowing what the situation was regarding some of those grades. Not only was there confusion regarding some of the grades, but this teacher hadn't even set up the grade book at this point! I had to go in and enter all the grades for all assignments for every student, and that definitely took quite a chunk of time for me to do!

The wost part of the whole situation came two weeks ago when the quarter finished and I had parent/teacher conferences. I had SEVERAL parents come to me yelling at me and demanding that I change the grades from this other teacher. They didn't even care to listen to my side of the story that I had no idea what the situation was regarding those missing and/or ungraded assignments and that all I did was type in the grades. I had nothing to do with their previous assignments and I can't just slap a grade on an assignment when I had no idea what the assignment was and no clue what the parameters were regarding how the teacher was grading the assignment. I was not the least bit responsible for any sort of issue regarding those grades, but they didn't care to hear it. It was ridiculous. And horrible. I didn't deserve to be talked to like that. I didn't do anything to deserve that, and that is what upset me so much. I went home that night and cried my eyes out. It was horrible.

I ended up meeting with my principal regarding this issue and we came up with a plan. I told her that I didn't care what the end result was; just that parents needed to know that grades will not be questioned or changed next quarter, and that I had NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS SITUATION! We sat down and wrote a letter to the middle school parents regarding the issue and I made sure I would be completely absolved from any connection to the grades from the previous teacher. After a couple attempts at various solutions, we felt it was best to excuse students from the assignments that were questionable. Personally, I feel that all 1st quarter grades are a joke. Kids got excused for assignments they didn't turn in and kids got excused for assignments that didn't get graded by their other teacher, but I had no way of knowing the difference between the two.

I've spent the past two weeks dealing with that issue. I'm just glad to be at a point to put it behind me. It's been ridiculous.

Here's what else has happened in the past month:

Meghan lost her first toothWe got a new kitten, Chloe. She is absolutely precious, and the girls love playing with her.

Audrey with Chloe on the way home after we got her.

Meghan adores Chloe and rarely puts her down

What can I say??? These girls are just too cute!

Meghan was very excited about her Dorothy costume.

She laughed so hard when she saw herself with the wig on.

Of course, Audrey wanted to be a princess.

Not just any princess, but Cinderella.

We had our first ultrasound at the beginning of this month, and baby looks quite healthy and right on schedule! A nice profile picture of head, arm, and possibly thumb sucking.

...and here HE is! Couldn't quite miss that one!

We are all very excited about the news and the girls are definitely excited to be having a little brother. We are going to name him Robert Bradley in honor of his two grandfathers. Robert after Jason's dad who died just two months before we got married, and Bradley, of course, after my dad who is, thankfully, still with us. I'm feeling Robbie move more and more each day. Considering this is THE only thing I remotely like about being pregnant, I am quite happy to be feeling him move around. I just hope and pray he continues to grow and stay healthy and be the blessing we all know he will be.

Dodging a Bullet

I dodged a huge bullet this week. Not a real one, of course.

Four teachers from my school will no longer have a job after the end of this month. My heart breaks for my co-workers who are stuck in a horrible situation, and not knowing what is going to happen in the future. It was just about a year ago where I was in a similar position where I was having to look for another teaching job in the middle of the school year. It's hard.

Unfortunately, our school has been struggling with enrollment since school has started, and since we are short at least 70 students, we can't afford to keep four of our teachers. That's what can suck about working at a charter school. Our ability to sustain ourselves is quite different than in a regular public school. Right now, as much as I don't exactly want ridiculously full classrooms, I am praying for some sort of miracle.

Not only do I feel bad for my co-workers who are left searching for jobs, but this severely affects our school. I'm thinking about all the kids who have had all this time to get used to their teacher and just get into a routine, and now they are going to be moved into a different classroom with a different teacher and new classmates. That can be a hard adjustment for some kids. We are also losing our Art teacher. That really sucks. I am a huge supporter of the Arts in schools, and I feel bad for the kids who thrive in those environments because we all are suffering.

This change affects me quit a bit, too. One of our 7th grade teachers is being let go. Not only do I adore her, but she is also the one who teaches Literature. Since she will no longer be teaching that, it is up to me to do not only her job, but mine as well! Whew! I definitely lost some sleep worrying about that one last night! I know I've taught the literature before with this curriculum (which I'm not worried about one bit), but having to teach that IN ADDITION TO all the spelling, grammar, and writing that needs to be taught is pretty overwhelming for me right now.

I have at least figured out that my primary role will soon be teaching all the literature for the middle school. Although I am quite sad and disappointed about losing the opportunity of working with an amazing woman and educator, I am excited that I get to teach these stories again. I LOVED teaching the literature. These books are amazing and I have been feeling a little sad not being able to teach them again. It looks like I am going to have to lean upon the help of my team of middle school teachers to help out with teaching the spelling, grammar, and writing.

I don't know, maybe I'm experiencing a little bit of survivor's guilt. It very well could have been me who was told they wouldn't have a job to go to after the end of this month. Just as easily as I am able to teach the literature, the other teacher is just as able to teach what I do. It's rough. It'll be hard keeping track of another set of stuff I have to do with two separate grade books for each subject, and so on. I was just starting to feel like I was getting the hang of things. Now these kids are losing a teacher, and now we get an entirely different schedule!

I know I'll survive this. It's just a lot to take in right now. I need to remind myself that God never puts us through more than we can handle. He is in control and He knows what He is doing. I'll be fine. I just need to get used to the idea first.

On a side note....things with the pregnancy are going along just smoothly. I no longer depend on my anti-nausea pills, and I seem to have more of my energy back. I am still SUPER sensitive to certain smells or just thinking of nastiness. I seem more sensitive to these sorts of things than I was with the other two pregnancies. I'm really looking forward to when I can start feeling the baby move. That has always been my favorite part about being pregnant. We find out the gender of the baby during the second week of October! I can't wait to see the little one for our first ultrasound!

School Has Started Already?

School started last Thursday. Need I say more?

Even the beginning of last week is a blur. I took Meghan shopping to get her uniforms for school, I had back to school night for my students, and then I got to do it all over again the next night as a parent for Meghan. That is definitely going to be an adjustment. I have found it's not as easy to stay after school and get some things done since I have Meghan with me and she can't keep herself busy as easily as I hoped.

Meghan is adjusting to our new school schedule pretty well. What was really nice to find out is that I have the same lunch period as Meghan. I get to go into the lunch room every day and visit with her for a short time. I actually ate lunch with her on her first day of school. I still can't believe she is already in Kindergarten. I took a picture of her on the first day of school:

Audrey, on the other hand, is another issue. Poor girl. She is used to going to the same daycare as Meghan and she is definitely showing signs of missing her big sister. On the first day of school, she had Jason call me three different times on my way to work because she wanted to say "goodbye" and to be reminded that I still love her. I was so impressed with Jason, though. He decided to take it upon himself and make it a routine that every week he takes Audrey on a little date. That is so precious! My girls are so lucky to have such an amazing dad. This is exactly what Audrey needs right now. Especially with the baby coming in February.

Speaking of the baby, all seems to be going well. I got to hear the baby's heartbeat recently, and my doctor said it seems to be healthy. I won't be having my first ultrasound for another month or so which is when we find out the gender of the baby. I did express my concerns to my doctor about all my nauseousness. I don't necessarily know if it is as severe or more severe as my other pregnancies, but I think that my greater struggle is that the more tired I am, the more nauseous I feel. Even with more than 8 hours of sleep a night, I am still feeling nauseous. I told my doctor that I was concerned about my ability to perform my job at that capacity I need to even with having to deal with nauseousness. She totally made my day when she sent me out with a prescription for anti-nausea medication. I have been on it for over a week now, and it has made a HUGE difference. I still have to be careful with getting enough sleep, but it has definitely helped out with my ability to survive the day.

10 1/2 Week Update

The other day, I started a new post to my blog until my computer decided to turn itself off in the middle of my blogging. I was too tired to fight it, so I decided to finish it later. Later then turned into several days, and now it has been nearly a week since I last tried to blog.

Looking back on what I had originally planned on posting, I just sit back and laugh at how inaccurate it is from where I stand today. All last week I was feeling good. I didn't have any struggles with nauseousness at all last week and I was feeling great. I was very encouraged at how I was feeling since I started back at work last Monday. The teachers at my school are given about 2 1/2 weeks of training and time to prepare their classrooms before school starts. At times I get annoyed just because it cuts so far into my summer, but since I am new to this school, it is nice having this extra time to prepare for the new school year. The downside to all this is that I have yet more time to worry about all the odds and ends of how I am going to structure my class and curriculum.

These past two days, however, I have not been quite so fortunate with the nauseousness. I am not very tolerant these days, and every day seems like a struggle. What makes it more difficult to deal with is that I have somewhere to be. I can't decide not to come in just because I am feeling nauseous and I am most definitely not contagious. The only thing that keeps me in perspective right now is when I remember one of my friends who just recently had a baby of her own. Poor girl, she struggled with nauseousness her ENTIRE pregnancy. She had it so bad that she wasn't just on anti-nausea medication, but if she missed one day of her medication, she was violently nauseous and sick the entire day.

Aside from the nauseousness, I am so tired. Actually, I have discovered that the more tired I am, the more nauseous I get. So, I try to get LOTS of sleep each night, but that doesn't really allow me much time to work at home on some school things that desperately need to get done. Many of these things get pushed to "later." Don't ask me when "later" will be because my days are completely filled with various seminars and I don't have much time to get more settled and organized with my class...which perpetuates my lack of productivity and exhaustion. I am very ready to get past this and to start feeling "normal." Whenever that will be.

Right now I try my best to take things one day at a time....or one moment at a time. It's not easy. Especially when I've felt pretty lousy all day, I end up bringing home two crabby girls who won't stop bickering and fighting, I have to try to fix yet one more dinner when I can't stand the smell, sight, or thought of food out of fear of throwing up, and all I want to do is sleep and blink my eyes and the house will magically be clean while my classroom will be perfectly ready for the new school year, and my family will be wonderfully tended to and everyone is perfectly happy and content with life. It will all happen as planned...later.

8 1/2 Week Update

Well, it's been a week since I announced the big news about the baby.

Obviously being so early in my pregnancy, there really isn't much that has changed in the past week. I go to my first prenatal appointment tomorrow morning. I am excited to meet my new midwife and to hopefully hear that little heartbeat. I decided to continue with a midwife because I had a midwife for both of my previous pregnancies, and I have nothing but positive things to say. I would recommend a midwife to anyone. They are fabulous. I know several other women who have had midwives and all have great things to say.

I am still struggling with morning sickness (or all day sickness as it happens for me this time around). I was reminded of that the other morning when I set my alarm because I had to be somewhere early the next morning. When the alarm went off, I jumped out of bed like I always do, and I headed straight for the shower. Big mistake. I can't jump out of bed like I used to. I have to ease into my morning. I guess it's a good thing I found out now and not once school was starting, or I'd be late for school. I was fighting nauseousness for the rest of the day.

I was telling Jason the other night that at times it doesn't seem as severe as it did with the other pregnancies, but it is so easy to forget sometimes. I have found that the similar tactics I used in the past to cope with nauseousness still seems to work. I am still confronted with overwhelmingly horrible smells that quickly send me to the other room just to keep from throwing up all over the place. There have also been quite a few nights where Jason is left to figure out dinner on his own because I can't even think about eating when it's time for dinner. Sometimes the thought of food just makes me sick. Really, if I wasn't at a point where it was necessary to eat for the sake of a healthy baby, this could be a great diet...not very nutritional, but I'd definitely lose weight if the thought of food didn't repulse me so much.

I really appreciate Jason's patience as I muddle through this. I am optimistic, though. I don't think I'm going to have to endure much more of this, either. I do consider myself lucky. I didn't start feeling any sort of nauseousness until I was about 6 weeks along. I better not be jinxing anything by being so optimistic.

The other thing is that I have been super TIRED lately. I remember the fatigue, but it seems so much worse when you are running after a couple of kids, too! Thankfully I have been able to take a good nap in the afternoons when the girls nap. That won't last long. I have teacher orientation that starts next week and it goes until school starts. Last Thursday and Friday I had to report to orientation for the new teachers to the school. I was SO tired afterwards! It really hit me on Friday. It hit me so hard that I was in bed by around 8:00 when we got the girls to bed, and then I didn't wake up until 7:30 the next morning! Boy, did I feel refreshed! These next couple weeks are going to be a bit bumpy when it comes to the early pregnancy fatigue, but it should get better once school starts. I'll be in my second trimester by then, and I'll be ready to start the new school year with a bang.

I know it sounds crazy, but I am REALLY excited for school to start. I know there will be quite the adjustment period, but I am so excited to be at a school where all the teachers there seem to be just as excited about what they do as I am. I feel so excited about the administration, too. After all I had been through at my old school with the administration there, I am excited to be working for people who not just say they are on my side, but I actually believe it. The proof is in how many teachers stayed over the summer and how many positive things they all have to say about the school and the staff there.

I was wrestling with when I should share with the administration about my pregnancy. Some people said that I should wait until my first trimester is over, but I felt that doing so seemed like I would be hiding something which I have no reason to hide. After feeling things out, I felt it was in my best interest to be straightforward and tell them sooner rather than later. I told both the principal and the assistant principal and each of them were thrilled. They were very happy for me and they were pleased that I had shared this information with them. I told them that I am an open and honest person and that I felt that it was important for me to tell them now because I felt that it would be hypocritical of me to keep it a secret any longer. I know that through my actions, they saw that I expect open and honest communication from my students without fear of any sort of backlash. I walked away from that conversation feeling quite relieved and definitely a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

God has definitely taken care of things. Looking back to where I had been a year ago, there is NO WAY I could have predicted all this to have happened. God had blessed us so much, and I am so grateful as He continues to lavish blessings upon us.

In Case You Were Wondering...

Yup. It happened.We are expecting our new little one at the end of February. For the first few weeks, I was feeling fine and nothing out of the ordinary. For a short time there, I was starting to feel a bit guilty and was wishing for just a slight tinge of morning sickness just so I would be absolutely certain it was true. (Like the positive pregnancy test wasn't enough or something.) Stupid me. What was I thinking? I had it so good before, and now I am just nauseous all day. The worst part? This is just the beginning of it. Thankfully it hasn't progressed to much more than nauseousness, but it still sucks. Now here I am sitting and wishing for those days before where I felt absolutely nothing at all. The good part? I should *hopefully* be done with all the nauseousness by the time school starts. Unless I am one of those unfortunate ones who have to deal with the constant urge to vomit their entire pregnancy. Kinda makes teaching a bit more challenging.

Considering this will be my third baby, I guess you can say I am a veteran to all the pregnancy ailments. Not really. It is so true that EVERY pregnancy is SO different. I just hope and pray that this one goes just as smoothly as my other two. Just like my other pregnancies, I can't stand the taste of crackers. So my food of choice to combat the nauseousness is: It's light enough to keep me from making a fast run to the bathroom, but enough to make my stomach think it's had something to eat to keep from making me take yet another quick run to the bathroom. The heartburn has already set in, so it's my normal routine to just pop a couple tums as I'm getting into bed each night.

The girls are pretty excited. They are thrilled to be welcoming a little brother or sister this winter. We'll see how quickly the novelty will wear off once the baby arrives.

The funniest part was how my parents found out about the baby. We were all camping over the Independence Day holiday weekend. One of the days we were out there, I was stranded in my sister's RV with my mom because of the rain. We were in there playing cards while Meghan, Audrey, and my nephew were playing to pass the time. While we were in the middle of a card game, my mom overheard my girls telling their cousin about the exciting news.

Audrey: "We're going to have a little brother or sister!"

Meghan: "Yeah! Our mommy has a baby in her tummy!"

My mom then looked at me in utter shock and disbelief and desperately looking for answers. I didn't know how to respond to that, so I just laughed. My uproarious laughter then caused my sister, who is deaf, to be very confused and absolutely frantic and desperately wanting to know what was so funny. My mother then told my sister what she heard and then I had two sets of eyes staring me down and intent on finding out the truth. While still laughing, I just shook my head, "yes." They were quite excited. Seriously, who wouldn't be excited?

Considering we hadn't quite figured out how we wanted to tell the grandparents about the baby, I think that turned out well....and quite memorable.

Wasting No Time

We have wasted no time getting settled into our new house. These past few weeks have been full of lots to do and much fun to be had.

We have installed a new microwave:

This was actually quite easy considering we had done this before, and we were able to use the holes that were already on the wall!

We bought a new table for our kitchen since the other one is being used in the dining room:

We have eaten JUMBO marshmallows that are bigger than any I have ever seen before:
We have read plenty of stories and have had lots of fun reading stories to others:
We got to spend some great time with cousin David on several occasions:

We've gotten some much-need cuddle time while watching "Veggietales":

Daddy got to ride with us in the back seat of the van:

And Jason is in the midst of quite a great task of putting together our new desk in our den.

When he's done...sometime within the next several hours, it should look something like this:

Considering I only have about two and a half more weeks left of my summer, we've had a great time. Other than having the unfortunate experience of having broken a tooth recently that requires me to get a bridge to repair the problem, life is good. We are going camping over the holiday weekend with my parents and my sister, so that should be full of great memories.

Until next time...

Pinch Me, I Must Be Dreaming!

I'm actually in my new house. I can't believe it.

A whole week later and many unpacked boxes later (and many more to go), I finally have the normal necessities I have grown so accustomed to...except for my dinner plates. Those are still proving to be quite elusive. I was getting so tired of eating off of little kid plastic plates that I went to the Dollar Tree the other day and purchased some dinner plates. They aren't all that bad for spending only a dollar per plate.

I just now got my Internet set up or I would have posted sooner.

Our closing went VERY smoothly. Almost too smoothly. We were in and out of there in less than an hour. I take that as God's final blessing to reassure us that regardless of all we had been through with the banks and underwriters, He wanted us to have this house in the end. Boy, was this whole ordeal quite the headache. There were a few times throughout this whole process where I was starting to doubt whether or not we were supposed to get this house after all. Looking back to how things were for us a year ago, I NEVER would have guessed in my wildest dreams that we would end up here in this city with these jobs and a house that by far exceeds my expectations on what we could qualify for. God has been so good to us.

My parents were such a great help for us during the move. They took the girls for the entire weekend so we could move without worrying about the kids being underfoot while trying to get things moved into the house. One of the most exciting things about all this was being able to go through boxes of stuff that we hadn't seen since last October! That might also be the reason why I can't find my plates. We did have to move quickly, so we weren't really thinking about putting things in boxes and in ways that would be easy to find.

It was so exciting bringing the girls back home to our new house. Jason and I were looking forward to that the entire weekend. We just couldn't wait to see the looks on their faces when they saw their rooms with their beds set up, and all their bedding freshly washed and waiting for them.

Most of my week this week has been consumed with various unpacking and cleaning. I was so overwhelmed with all the unpacking. I didn't seem to be making a dent in anything; after all, I did rearrange my closet six different times this week! I decided that yesterday would officially be "do nothing" day. We ran a bunch of various other errands, but with regards to unpacking or rearranging, I did not do it. It was a nice break. The one thing I have been dreading most is getting the girls' stuff in order. They have SO MANY TOYS! It seemed like a lot when we were living in the basement, but that was the basement. That was 1/4 the size of my whole house now! Now they have TONS of toys that they have recently rediscovered that were hiding in storage for the past eight months.

That has actually been a blessing in disguise. The girls have been so well entertained by toys they haven't seen in months, that they are so consumed with playing that I don't hear from them for hours at a time! That has been nice when unpacking, but they are also leaving quite the trail of various toys behind them. We'll have to re-train them to keep their toys in their rooms instead of strewn all over the house.

Today Jason decided to take the day off work and help me out with the unpacking. We also got a lot of other things done, too! We bought an over-the-stove microwave, and we even got to install it. We also got a great counter-height table for our little nook in the kitchen. We needed a little something for the girls to eat breakfast there instead of going into the dining room to eat. This table is so cool. I'm going to have to take a picture of that and the microwave and post them for next time.

We are also in the middle of our painting project. The family room was pumpkin orange when we bought the house, and now we are in the middle of painting the room in normal colors. What took so long was painting the walls with primer first so the orange doesn't bleed through and altar the color of the new paint. I will have to post a picture of that too when we are done. This has definitely been a busy week, but I am so grateful to be here now. Now this whole move, eight months later, seems real.

Beyond Frustrated

We still haven't closed on our house yet. Our close date has changed four different times! This is ridiculous!

We were supposed to close on May 21st and then they pushed it back to the 25th only to find they needed more time and pushed it back to the 28th. We got notified a couple days before the final date only to find that we have to push back our close date ONE MORE TIME. The worst part of it all is that the bank that currently owns the house is not willing to push back a close date any more. If we get notification that the underwriters need yet more time, we are going to lose our house, and I am going to flip my lid. I already lost it last week when I found out that they were pushing us back to June 11th. Poor Jason. He got the brunt of all my rage. Being the passive-aggressive person that I am, I will flip my lid but I will never direct it at the people who are most deserving of such circumstances.

All that I have endured recently regarding the house is all the fault of my bank. I am so annoyed with them right now. The woman who is handling our loan has had since the beginning of April to process our loan. I know our file has been sent back and forth several times with underwriters, but the worst part is that she didn't submit all of our information to the final underwriters and everything got sent back to the bank to finish before the final processing.

When we expressed our frustration with the bank, our mortgage broker gave a long list of "excuses" as to why she hasn't been able to process our information in time. I'm sorry, but it's your job. You get paid to ensure people get to close on the houses they are qualified to purchase. We are more than qualified to purchase this house. The more excuses I saw in that email, the more unwilling I was to accept her reasoning for the delay. One thing I would say to my students when they are giving me excuses for not turning in their homework is, "The more excuses you give me, the more I'm going to think that you are not willing to accept responsibility for your actions." That's totally what it seemed like to me. All I know is that I better get this house to close, or...or...or...I'm going to be REALLY mad. Not to mention we'd lose the tax credit.

The thing that adds to this situation is that one of our cats have gone missing. When we found out we were moving, we knew we would need a safe place for our cats to stay for a while, so Jason's mom was more than willing to help us out. Jason took a weekend and drove out to Utah while his mom drove from Sacramento and met up with him so he give her temporary custody of the cats. We got a call last night to let us know that Paisley has been missing for about a week. What makes this so hard is that Paisley is the most loveable cat I've ever known...and he's considered the girls' cat. We haven't told the girls yet. We're just hoping he turns up sometime before Jason goes out to pick up the cats. Poor Paisley. He's just so cute. Here's a picture of Meghan and Paisley right after we got him. He was a little stray that some kid found in the school parking lot and I decided to take him home. He is the best cat. He is so gentle, he loves everyone, and the girls love to play with him. I hope he comes back safely. And we get our house.

So Busy

It never fails. May is so busy it always seems like the busiest month of the year. I apologize in advance if this post seems scattered and all over the place, but that's how life has been for us lately. Here's a brief overview of what this month has looked like:

• We welcomed two more cousins back into an already full house. Beth and Becca came home to stay for the summer before they go back to college in the fall.
• I had a Spring Program at my school.
• We celebrated several birthdays as well as Mother's Day.
• I had two field trips.
• Meghan had a field trip.
• I had field day.
• Jason and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary.
• Meghan graduated from preschool.
• I got a new job for the fall.
• We close on our house this next Tuesday.
• My last day at my current job is next Friday.
• We move into our new house next weekend.

Wow! What a month! God has blessed us so much this year that I can't begin to describe my amazement and gratitude for all He has done.

Jason and I were talking earlier today about how smoothly things have happened for us lately. Yes, we've done our fair share of waiting. I know I might get quoted on this as I am known for being patiently impatient. All the waiting and all the worrying was worth it in the end. There. I said it.

There is no way on the face of this Earth that I could have planned this better myself. I know that with every cell in my body. I am constantly reminded of how God has a plan for me that is WAY better than anything I could have done on my own. How can I argue with that? I got my current job the exact same day that Jason and I decided it was finally time for us to look into renting a house for awhile. It was almost like God was saying, "Not so fast! I have a plan for you, and you are not trusting that I will provide for you!"

It was because of this job that we are able to purchase our house we will be moving into next week. Because I got this job when I did, we were able to find a house and get a contract on it before the housing tax credit expired. Yes, we are going to take that money and pay off our van! It was because of this job that I was able to put behind me all the issues I had with my other school and have the opportunity to work with some amazing teachers that would be able to give me good references after I lost that opportunity with my former principal.

Yes, I got a job for next year. I only interviewed for the job almost 7 weeks ago. Yeah, apparently these people don't have any sense of urgency. I was getting really frustrated...until I got the job offer. I even get to work with my sister-in-law who teaches 1st grade at that school! The best part is that Meghan will be coming to school with me when she starts Kindergarten in the fall! My Meggie-Beth will be starting Kindergarten this year. I am so happy I can have her with me. That has always been a dream of mine, and God has answered my prayers and provided me with a job and Meghan with a school to go to. I got her enrollment papers sitting on my desk right beside my new teaching contract for next year.

Jason and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary on the 18th. I can't believe we have been married that long. Time has flown by so quickly. As they always say, "Time flies when you're having fun!" What a blessing Jason is to me and our girls. When I married Jason, I had no idea how much we would grow together and grow deeper in love. We are the best of friends and I can't imagine a life without him by my side. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile when I want to cry, he picks me up when I am down, he is my biggest supporter, the first person I go to for anything, and everything else God knew I need in a husband.

What have I done to deserve all this? Absolutely nothing. I am so grateful. I will continue to thank God for His blessings as I continually find myself speechless and amazed for all He has done.

It Actually Happened

We got a contract on a house. I still can't believe it happened. There were times when I felt so discouraged that it seemed like we would be living in this basement forever.

It's actually pretty funny how it happened. I was at work the other day, and I was quickly checking my e-mail before I left work and I discovered one of our offers got accepted! Remember, we have seen at least 100 houses by this point and put offers in on about 10 houses while praying that something gets accepted. The part that really surprised me was that our offer was accepted immediately. There weren't any counter offers or anything. Accepted as is. Pretty cool, if I do say so myself. I was so excited. I couldn't believe it....but then I wasn't too excited because I couldn't even remember what house that was. I do remember seeing that particular house less than a week ago, but we had seen about 5 houses that day and they all had the exact same floor plan. Was it the one with all the upgraded fixtures? Was it the one with the bigger backyard? Was it the one with the funky basement? I couldn't remember. But we had a contract on a house.

I quickly called Jason to share the funny yet exciting news. We both laughed at our similar responses to the house. "I guess it'll work." We said. I was struggling a little with the fact that I couldn't even remember the house! My mom just laughed at me when I called her. She couldn't believe I had a contract on a house I couldn't even remember. I told her that we wouldn't have put an offer on a house if we didn't like it enough to live in it. I believe that near the end of seeing all those houses that looked exactly the same, we were eventually thinking, "That'll do. I'll just take any house. Please, someone. Just give me a house!"

While I was still on my way home from work, I got a call from my realtor congratulating me on the contract on the house. I laughed and told him about Jason and my similar responses regarding the house, and he said, "No, not that house, the other one. You got a contract on your favorite house." "What???? We got two contracts?" Yup. We sure did. That was a no-brainer. I didn't even need to talk to Jason first before telling the realtor which house we would go with. Both of us liked this house from the beginning.

Here's some pictures from the listing:

I love how the front of this house looks. Yeah, the yard needs some serious revival, but it's nothing we haven't dealt with before. Jason loves the 3-car garage. He wants to make it his little shop for tinkering. Whatever that is. Every man needs their man-cave, and I guess this will be his.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this staircase. It just looks so cool. I love how it is so open. Thankfully I won't have to worry about walking up and down those stairs with a load of laundry. The washer and dryer are on the top floor to the far right.
The family room. The first room we will be painting. In natural light the ceiling is not blue. The walls are currently a rusty orange. Maybe the people had some sort of southwestern theme going on. No thanks. I love how this room is right off the kitchen so I'm not exiled to the kitchen when entertaining guests. The decent-sized kitchen. I like how there is the island. In our old house, I was so limited with cooking space. I hated that. Thankfully there is still a good amount of space around the island so you don't feel too cramped with other people working in the kitchen. I think. I'd have to test it out to be sure.

I am really excited about this house. It really has so much to offer us. We were really thinking hard about what we wanted in our new house, and I think we really got a keeper with this one. We really want that house that lasts us a LONG time. Others don't seem to think we'd stay that long, but that is something we really want. We want that house the girls live in the entire time they are in school. I don't want them to have to worry about going from one school to the next....except for the natural transitions between elementary to middle school and from middle to high school.

Now all I have to do is wait...again. It seems like my big lesson in life is patience. I'm just so excited, though! It just seems extra long because we are so cramped in this basement. We've lasted this long, what's another month? We close on our new house on May 21st.

Looking For The Perfect Home

Okay, so things have been pretty crazy here.

I had my long-awaited Spring Break a couple weeks ago, and it sure seemed to go much faster than I anticipated. I guess it never seems long enough when you have a lot to do. My primary purpose for break was to do some serious house shopping.

My brother's father-in-law is a realtor, and he happily agreed to help us find our perfect house. The big challenge for us is finding the house that we can afford as well as the house we can see ourselves living in for many years to come. We have always said that it would be nice to live in one house the entire time the kids are in school. I want them to have the opportunity to go to the same schools with the same friends and not have to worry too much about going to different schools and making new friends.

I have seen so many houses, that by this point I am really having a hard time keeping them straight. I think there were only two days during my Spring Break where I did not physically go and see houses. Since we started looking, I'd have to say that we've seen at least 50 houses. That's pretty amazing when you think about it. Right now, we are in the best position to buy a house. The market is flooded with houses for sale, short sales, and foreclosures. It's pretty exciting, but also very exhausting. I know that our new home is out there somewhere, but it almost feels like looking for a needle in a haystack.

We've seen a lot of really nice homes, but not necessarily one that we feel could be "the one." We actually put offers on three different houses last week. We haven't heard back from one of them yet, but I don't expect to hear anything on that house anytime soon. It is a short sale that already had a contract on it before we got to it. The other houses were great possibilities, but the homeowners seem to think they can get more money for their houses than we were willing to pay. I'm okay with that. I wasn't totally feeling it with those houses anyways. When you look at the recent sales in the area, there is no way those people could get as much as they were asking. It all depends on how quickly the sellers are willing to get out of their house. They'd be lucky to find buyers in similar situations like us. We can move quickly. We don't have a house to sell first. Their loss.

We were able to go out again yesterday, and I think we have made some serious progress. I think the greatest success of the weekend was that we were both able to agree on our #1 pick of houses. Previously, there was one house that was my particular favorite, and then there was one that was Jason's favorite. Now we both like the same house. That's a big deal for me. I don't want it to be that one of us is settling with one house wishing we got a different one. I am really excited about this house, and I just pray that it works out. We should be putting in an offer on this house hopefully by tomorrow.

I am SO ready to have our own place again. Now that the weather is getting nicer, I am really longing for my own place to spread out and do what I want to do and to get settled. I am looking forward to establishing a new routine for our new place. I am looking forward to the girls being able to play in and out of the house and not having to worry about where they are and whose stuff they might be messing with . I am practically counting down the days to where I don't have to share a room with my girls and always worry about them messing up my space or getting into my things. I am looking forward to finally knowing where we are going to be living so I can get started on getting Meghan ready for Kindergarten (gasp!) this fall. I still don't know where she will be going. I pray that this issue will get settled pretty quickly when we actually move. I am really looking forward to this summer where I can have fun with my girls again and finally get to feeling like normal. It will be nice. I think I will appreciate it more than I thought I would just because I haven't had my own space for almost 6 months now.

It's Been Too Long...

Okay, so it's been a while....quite a long while.

As you can imagine, life has most definitely been busy. I am finally starting to get into a groove with my new job. It has been quite a challenge. I don't know if the bigger challenge is transitioning from teaching Junior High to teaching 1st and 2nd grade, or if it is going from teaching hearing students to deaf students.

It has been a good opportunity, though. There still are days where I question whether or not I want to pursue this type of career, but then there are days where I feel I am at the right place at the right time. One encouraging thing is that I have heard from a few colleagues that they have definitely seen a big change in the attitudes of my students (in a good way). Their old teacher was very negative and very demeaning. I had the unfortunate experience of observing her for a day.

Aside from my starting a new job, Jason and I finally had the opportunity to get approved for a mortgage loan! Yippee! I am so excited. I am very grateful for Jason's family opening up their house for us to live in, but I am READY to get my own place.

Jason and I spent about 3 hours with our realtor (my brother's father-in-law) and we got to take a look at quite a few places. We have a couple houses in mind, but we're just in the beginning stages of looking around. Our realtor seems to think he can find us a really good deal for the money. Hopefully he can find us that diamond in the rough that we can live in for decades to come! It is our dream to stay in the same house for the entire time the girls are in school. That is something I never had, and I desperately want that for my children.

Hopefully we can find our house soon! I am ready to get started with this new phase in our life!

What A Crazy Week

I finally got a job.

Last Wednesday didn't exactly go as I had expected it to go. I got a call in the morning on Wednesday letting me know that I didn't get the job I interviewed for the week before. It didn't really bother me all that much. I was okay with it. I was just starting to get into a groove and really enjoying my time at home with my girls. I know, you'd say that after THREE months of being unemployed, why was I just now starting to get used to being a stay-at-home mom? Well, I was so consumed with trying to find a job that it took me a while to be satisfied with where God had me. I was obsessed. I was checking district websites multiple times a day just to see that just maybe they'd post something through the course of the day, and I wanted to be the first person to apply.

It took me quite some time to finally admit the fact that I just might not get that job after all, and that I would just end up getting a job for the Fall. I was okay with that. Really. I was. Wednesday afternoon I was sharing with Aunt Kim (whom we live with right now) that I didn't get the job and that it didn't really bother me all that much. Right in the middle of our conversation, I got the call. I was told that the person they offered the job to was unable to commit to the position, so they called me instead. What a shock that was! I was totally and completely caught off-guard. Especially considering the fact that I had just finished saying that I was okay with not working until this Fall.

I was completely speechless. I couldn't believe it. The one thing I wanted so badly for what seemed like an eternity was finally within my reach. The real kicker was that this job was EXACTLY what God had promised to me all those months ago. He told me (in a dream) that I would be teaching at a new school and that I would start in the middle of the school year. The thing that gets me every time was that in my dream I was signing to my students in Sign Language. It seemed foolish to turn something like this down, so here I am a week later and that is exactly what I am doing. I am now the new 1st and 2nd grade teacher at the Deaf school here in town. How amazing.

I did have the opportunity to observe the previous teacher for only one day, but it was better than going in without prior exposure to an environment that is so incredibly different than anything I have ever experienced before in my life. This week has most definitely been very difficult learning new rules, procedures, and all the ins and outs of a new school, but it has also been extremely difficult getting used to teaching a group of students whose needs are much more intense and extreme than any I have worked with before. One thing that I do know is that I am exactly where God wants me to be right now. There is no doubt in my mind about that. These kids need me just as much as I need the exposure to something like this.

Right now I am considered as the long-term substitute teacher and it is very likely that I will not be hired for the following school year, but at least this is something to get my foot in the door. I have wrestled for many, many years about whether or not I want to get my Master's degree in Deaf Education and this is the opportunity I need to help me decide if this is something God wants for me. There are a lot of variables as to whether or not I decide to pursue the degree starting this Fall, or if I decide to wait a few years first.

Right now, I am happy for the job, for the students that have already impacted my life so much, and for God's unfailing faithfulness and provision for me. I sit here in awe of how God continues to provide at just the right time and not a moment sooner. I don't deserve it, but I am most definitely grateful. Yay, God!